I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
