u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
