I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Terrible idea I love it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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