Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
