I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
