I am puke
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
