god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
