if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
