Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
