Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize