my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
