He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
