am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
