i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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