ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize