I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
