I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
