just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
