Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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