dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
