Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Is Oprah even human
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
