Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
