You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize