So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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