I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
