saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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