Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
