hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
