Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
