I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
