apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
