and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize