I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my shit smells like andre
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
