What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
