i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize