what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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