kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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