I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
