Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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