so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
