why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
