I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
