wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
