Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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