did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
