Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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