it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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