my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
