I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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