I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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