I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize