last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize