My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
