just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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