I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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