just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
