you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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