New invention idea: vibrating tampons
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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